On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
