his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
