Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
