You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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