Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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