At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
