i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
