u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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