Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
