I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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