Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
