Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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