she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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