my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
