how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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