just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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