My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
