I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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