I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
