I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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