You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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