her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
