Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
