Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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