I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
