i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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