im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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