I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
