I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
