3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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