your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
