I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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