Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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