My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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