I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How does one acquire holy water?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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