the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
