I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
