Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
