ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
