He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
