I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
