I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
