Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
