ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
