Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
