Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
