Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
