The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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