i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
