I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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