the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
