just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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